Posts Tagged ‘keanu reeves’

Retro Review – Speed

I’ve got 100s of movie reviews in the can from. Over the next few weeks, I hope to reintroduce my “Guilty Pleasure Movies” to Motion Artifacts. In the mean time, here’s a review for one of my favorite fantastically terrible movies from 2010

I’m starting a new here tradition on the brentnet blog. My goal is eventually for fans of bad movies, like myself, to say that my monthy Guilty Pleasure movies is a tradition unlike no others… even more so than the Masters.

The other day, I found myself trying to sit through another “award winning” movie. From my own personal experience, about 1/3 of the “critically acclaimed” movies are awesome in a surreal “Hey, I know we just finished that movie, but lets watch it again” kind of way. Another 1/3 are completely watchable, but you get that feeling in your gut that a movie was overrated. The last 1/3 are complete bombs… nothing is happening in the movie. I’m supposed to enjoy the artful arc of the movie and the characters. Instead, I find myself looking at my watching wondering if I should even bother finishing the film.

It was just the other day I realized something. I really like a good movie like the Departed or the Godfather, but at the end of the day, I think I enjoy bad movies more than I enjoy good movies. It makes some amount of sense. “Scarface” has sat atop my leader board as favorite movie for nearly 10 years now. It’s an extremely enjoyable movie, but it definitely has some “bad movie” qualities. So, in honor of my love for bad movies, I’ve decided that once a month, I’m going publish a blog entry on a new bad movie. Now, some of these movies are technically considered worse than others. But at the end of the day, they’re all enjoyable and if they are on TNT on a random Wednesday night, I’m not gonna change the channel.

A little history on our first Guilty Pleasure/Bad movie Speed. It was on of the first R-rated movies that my parents openly let me watch. I was at my buddy Cory’s house. We were watching previews for movies on DirecTV (which is how we also became the first people in our area to see Office Space) and decided that Speed looked good. It was rated R, but according to the guide, it was rated R for AC, AS, AL, V, and probably a few other consonants and vowels. Most importantly, at least to our moms, was it wasn’t rated R for “N.” After a call to my mom and much discussion, it was ruled that Speed was a-okay for our impressionable eyes to be watching. I honestly don’t think I’ve seen the movie since that day in 1994. So, I’ve  With all that introduction, I’ve decided for my first bad movie, I’m going to do a running diary.

0:01 – Forgot how good this movie theme is. Dum dum… dum dum dum dum. I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but the movie industry in general has taken two gigantic steps back as far as movie scoring is considered.

0:04 – Being a security guard in a movie with a crazed lunatic. It has to be up there with working at a slaughterhouse or working in the logging industry as one of the most dangerous jobs possible. And to think… he even opened the door, closed the door halfway, but opened it again when he thought he saw something. Big mistake. I remember thinking he was going to get shot rather than getting a knife to the side of the ear the first time I saw this one. Four minutes in and we’ve got our first casualty.

0:05 – The smartass who says “Thanks for pushing that Bob. The light is on, but it really might be broken” looks like a younger, less pumpkin-headed John Mayer.

0:06 – Bomb just goes off in the elevator shaft. I forgot how crappy special effects were in the era when they started to use computers, but really weren’t good at using computers yet (somewhere around 1991-2001). Keanu Reeves and Jeff Daniels come flying over a hill in a squad car a la Ferris Bueller’s Day Off thus telling us the viewer “Hey… think what you want of police officers in general, but these two gentleman are renegades.” By the way, someone add getting air off a jump in a speeding car onto my bucket list.

0:07 – Here’s a shocker… just checked Wikipedia and it informed me that Keanu Reeves doesn’t have a high school diploma. How can a guy responsible for delivering such fantastic dialogue such as “I am an EFF BEE EYE AGENT!”, “Whoa. Déjà vu,” and “Shoot the hostage” has less education than me? I’d have never guessed.

0:11 – Our first “pop quiz.” Plus… we’ve got my favorite line in the entire movie. “Shoot the hostage.” If I ever went to school to be a cop (even if I was a bad guy pretending to be a cop like in “The Departed”), I’d answer at least one question in class “…shoot the hostage” if for no reason other than to get the teacher riled up.

0:14 – You know the friend you has that thinks he wouldn’t make any of the mistakes that other people make. Like, when a big man blows an easy layup costing his team the game, he’s the first guy to say “…even I could make THAT shot.” This guy does this usually holds quite the high opinion of himself in many regards. He can sing better than the guy on American Idol, he could be funnier than the standup comedian that you’re watching on tv, and he could beat just about everyone at a reality show Survivor or Real World/Road Rules Challenge event. 99.9% of the time he’s wrong. Except when he says “I could do a better acting job than Keanu Reeves.”

0:17 – Is it bad that I kind of which the mousey old lady who didn’t want a hand out of the elevator would’ve went down with the ship a la the captain of the Titanic?

0:20 – Our first showdown between good and bad. This is exactly like when DeNiro and Pacino are on the screen together for the first time in Heat… except the exact opposite.

0:22 – Jeff Daniels has done a lot of serious acting. As of when I’m writing this, he’s appeared in about 67 movies. Does it say more about me or more about Jeff Daniels that if I had to pick three of his movies to watch over and over again on a desert island, I’d pick “Speed,” “Dumb and Dumber,” and “Arachnophobia.”

0:23 – If I would’ve watched this for the first time at the age of 28 instead of at the age of 13, I would’ve thought the “Shoot the Hostage” bit would come into play in the last 10 minutes of the movie. Even I’m shocked by this one.

0:26 – Whoa… don’t remember this line. But it’s a classic. “Guts will get you so far and then they’ll get you killed.” Can we find a way to insert this into any so-so action flick that doesn’t take itself too seriously kind of like the Wilhelm Scream?

0:29 – I know 24 is getting cancelled. Are we 100% sure that we couldn’t reinvent the show with Keanu Reeves? Let’s take the last episode… Jack finally catches it. Next year, Jack’s slacker long lost brother Brody (Reeves) comes back to fill in his normal duties. Picture Keanu Reeves screaming “Dammit Chloe! Where are the schematics?!?” Tell me that you wouldn’t tune in for at least a few episodes of that.

0:30 – Why did I think the bus had to go below 55 miles an hour instead of what it actually is – 50? Guess having not seen a movie in 16 years will do that to you, huh?

0:31 – Sandy B makes her first appearance. She’s playing the role of Sandra Bullock which is the same role she’s been playing in every movie she’s been in for the past 16 years. I don’t consider myself a Sandy B fan, but she is in four movies I’ll list as movies I enjoy (Demolition Man, Speed, Crash, and The Blind Side)

0:34 – Another bucket list item – driving though speeding traffic on a highway using the median and the right lane that isn’t actually a lane.

0:38 – Keanu informs the bus driver that there is a bomb on the bus and is then surprised when the bus driver slows down. Does anyone else find this reaction the bus driver has as completely not surprising?

0:40 – Keanu boards the bus. While jumping towards the door, he leaves himself a little short which causes his legs to drag on the ground. Of course, this doesn’t rip him from the bus causing him to get run over by the rear tires and probably the car following the bus as you’d expect. Nope. His immaculate upper body strength powers him onto the bus where he calmly whispers for the bus driver to keep it above fifty as a somewhat bitchy Sandra Bullock pressures him to find out what is going on.

0:41 – Here’s a shocker. The kid with the goatee who’ve they’ve shown no less than three times so far makes a move for Keanu by pulling a revolver on him. And to think, I just thought they were showing random shots of the same kid over and over again.

0:42 – Are you kidding me? Alan Ruck (aka Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) is in this movie?!? How do I not possibly remember this?!? If he has a decent sized part in this movie and I didn’t remember this, I’m going to be quite upset at myself.

0:43 – After the driver gets accidently shot, Bullock takes over. She decides to inform Keanu that she’s taking the bus because she had her license revoked… for speeding. I’m sure when I was 13, this completely went over my head, but have you or anyone you’ve ever met ever had a license revoked for speeding. Have you ever heard such a thing? It’s a rated R movie… why can’t Bullock just say she was driving drunk or caused a death or something? Although – true story – I once did have my license revoked (and didn’t know it) for not paying a parking ticket.

0:46 – Keanu’s classic line. “Eff Me.” Alan Ruck translates it as “Oh Darn.” I bet my buddy Cory and I said those two lines for two weeks after first watching this movie. How did I not know Cameron was in Speed?

0:47 – Interesting how they show the bus going 51 miles per hour. The bus then proceeds to hit a water barrier and multiple cars. Lucky for us, the bus defies the odds and doesn’t slow down a single mile per hour.

0:52 – Have they done a Mythbusters on this theory? Placing everyone on one side of the bus prevents it from tipping over? It seems like they must have.

0:57 – Random thought – it’s weird to see people on a bus without cellphones or iPod earbuds in.

0:59 – After getting the driver successfully off the bus, the lady who doesn’t listen to Keanu tries to sneak off the bus and gets it. Like I was wishing on the lady in the elevator earlier. The moral of the story? When Keanu speaks, we must treat it as the gospel!

1:01 – Alright, it’s becoming apparent that Alan Ruck is the main supporting character on the bus… besides of course Annie (aka Sandra Bullock). Not only does this movie completely reek of cheese, but the editing is done in a way that the voices don’t match the lip movement. It’s like playing a game on the first PlayStation.

1:03 – While drive at above 50 miles per hour, the lead cop tells Jack (Keanu) “…there’s a gap in the road ahead… it’s big” from a trailer in the next lane. Of course, he whispers it so all the other passengers presumably don’t hear. Jack has no trouble hearing this even though I can’t hear my car radio on half volume if I put on of the windows down.

1:06 – Don’t go get popcorn. You’re about to miss the most unrealistic scene in movie history. Who’s in charge of sending this bus down a road that’s missing 50 feet of highway? Did these same fine folks work on the hurricane recovery for FEMA later in life?

1:07 – Can anyone explain to me how a second before taking off for the jump over 50 feet of missing highway, the front of the bus suddenly pops upward at about a 20 degree angle. Really? What can we assume caused that? By the way… about 30 seconds before the jump, we see a wide view of the freeway. In the wide view, you can clearly see that they’d have the option of taking a left exit that would avoid having to “jump the bus” altogether. But I guess who cares about details.

1:08 – You can tell this is definitely a pre-9/11 movie. There’s a bus that’s full of C4 and they bring it to an airport. Do you think they’d dare do this in a modern movie? I feel like

1:13 – Keanu isn’t comfortable letting passengers off because he thinks he’s being watched. Yet he’s willing to go underneath a bus on some sort of makeshift mechanic slide.

1:17 – If you’re just turning the movie on right now, Jack is in trouble because the wire to his makeshift mechanical slide broke and he had to puncture the gas tank with a screwdriver in order to hold on. Now, there is gas dripping down on him and a Mexican guy with a ponytail is trying to pull him back into this bus. And Sandy Bullock just chewed him out again.

1:21 – Harry (Jeff Daniels) gets blown to smithereens while trying to find Dennis Hopper. Someone needs to make a YouTube mashup video between this and the “our pets heads are falling off” scene in Dumb and Dumber.

1:24 – Keanu figures out Hopper can see in because he made a comment about Arizona. Sandra Bullock is wearing an Arizona sweatshirt. Keanu says “University of Arizona… good football team.” I’m getting ready to play the BS card on this when (does anyone *ever* remember the Arizona Wildcats being good?!?) when Wikipedia informs me Arizona was ranked #1 in the nation in 1994 and won the Pac-10 in ’93. The early 90s teams even featured Tedy Bruschi.

1:29 – 21 minutes after running over the spikes, that flat tire is finally going to bite us in the butt.

1:31 – Here’s an honest question… the bus full of explosive has been driving around the airport for 23 minutes. Why is a plane just taxiing around like nothing’s happening?

1:32 – A few minutes ago, I proclaimed the bus jumping scene as the best scene in movie history. That was, of course, before I saw 60 solid seconds of just Keanu and Sandra trying to act. Yikes. Make it stop!

1:36 – Hopper’s just figured out that he was duped. For as much as I remember about him, he’s not actually in this movie a whole lot kind of like Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight.

1:40 – Do we ever find out why Hopper is mad or are we just supposed to assume sour apples from his days on the force? Was he wrongfully fired? Did some bad guy take out his wife?

1:42 – Is it just me or does the bomb detonator look a little bit like the recorder that Macauley Culkin had in the second Home Alone?

1:43 – Hopper opens the money and gets splashed in the face with purple dye. Let me set the record straight, we’re supposed to believe that he worked on the police force for years and years. Everything that they’ve done for the entire movie, he’s been two steps ahead. But then he’s foiled when the money has dye packets in it. If you told somebody that you were going to rob them, wouldn’t you assume that the money was going to be a) tracked with some sort of homing beam and/or b) have some sort of dye in it? Doesn’t every department store in America have the same anti-theft system in place? How is this the big thing that foils the bad guy.

1:44 – Classic bad guy gets it because he has to explain how he won scene. As far as I’m concerned, they should have one of these in every action flick. Hopper is telling Keanu that “I’m smarter than you.” Then he gets his head lopped off by a red light on the top of the subway tunnel. Keanu responds back with “…yeah, but I’m taller.” It’s not a very cool line (a la “I’ll be back…” or “Yippee Ki Yay”), but it gets knocked down about a thousand points because… it absolutely makes no sense. It was as if the writers said to one another “I feel like Keanu should say something here. It doesn’t have to make any sense. He just has to say something that might become a catchphrase.” It didn’t.

1:45 – “The track isn’t finished.” This is exactly why Speed 2 didn’t work. By the end of the movie, we’re already rehashing bits from earlier in the movie. You can’t rehash what you’ve already rehashed and expect it to be even somewhat successful, can you? Although I love the concept that Keanu has no control over the speed of the subway… except he can speed it up. Hence the title of the movie, baby! By the way, I’ve never seen Speed 2. I don’t even have an idea what it’s about other than the generic “something needs to be going fast or something bad is going to happen” plotline.

1:49 – Why don’t I own this movie? Somebody remind me to include it on every birthday and/or Christmas present list from now until eternity (or until I get the movie… whichever comes first).

1:50 – In light of her recent marital troubles, how many of you think it would be the coolest thing in the world if Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock started to become an item? Seriously…

1:51 – And scene… any randoms I missed in the credits? Not any that I can see. This is interesting, though. The director has done five movies. Speed, Twister, Speed 2, The Haunting, and one of the Tomb Raider flicks. I don’t think he’s dead… can someone please give him a few million shekels to make another movie. Maybe it sucks, but I can’t help but think the guy responsible for Speed AND Twister has a horribly awesome movie that I’d enjoy.

05

09 2012