all.i.ever.wanted.to.be

I’m going to switch it up a little bit today. Normally, I talk about my running and what I have going on for the day and all that other boring jazz. I was watching the original Star Wars (Episode IV – New Hope, baby!) and remember how bad I wanted to be Luke Skywalker when I was a kid. Anyways, to switch things up a bit, today I think I’m going to yap about some of the people I wanted to grow up and why it is unfortunate I didn’t end up like them. Here goes nothing:

ImageZack Morris from Saved by the Bell – This dude was unbelievable… he got all the chicks, he rocked the Dyna Tac cell phone (in school even!), and he was always making devilish plans to make money or meet girls. He might have been the ultimate 80’s kid. I don’t lie when I say I would probably dye my hair blond again if someone could convince me that it would make me look like Zack Morris. I honestly challenge you to find a male between the ages of 18 and 28 who didn’t want to be Zack Morris growing up. Plus, he ends up marrying Kelly Kapowski who, if you’ve read this site for a while, you would remember as being my #1 girl on the all-time list.

ImageLuke Skywalker from Star Wars – Besides the whole blatantly obvious crush on his sister in the first movie, Luke might be one of the coolest movie characters of all-time. He was just a normal young adult who got yelled at his parents to do chores just like me, yet he had an amazing secret which would lead to him taking down an entire empire. Note: I hope that didn’t ruin the movies for anyone… Seriously, though, how cool would it be to mess around with a light sabre and have a couple robots (C3PO & R2D2) as best friends. The only things that holds him back a little bit is he doesn’t get the girl at the end of the movie and of course his terrible haircut. In hindsight, I should’ve been a Han Solo fan because he’s a much cooler in hindsight.

ImageSuper Mario from Mario Brothers – How cool would it be to be stuck in a videogame for the rest of your life? Sure, even back then I knew the outfit kind of sucked and being a plumber isn’t exactly my idea of a perfect career, but he had a cool accent and he got to throw flames. Plus, he meets like seven other girls (less if you don’t warp) before settling down with the princess after you beat Bowser in the last level. Luigi was a little bit lame… I hated being stuck as player 2 on Nintendo, but I usually had to. I personally didn’t own a Nintendo, so I was always stuck at someone else’s house with Luigi. By the way, I still haven’t forgiven my parents for not letting me have an NES. I still swear I was only kid in America without one.

ImageAlvin from Alvin & the Chipmunks – He was always the fun one because he was the one getting in trouble. I mean look at the other characters. Theodore obviously was going to be obese, Simon was going to die a lonely, nerdy old man, and Dave may or may not have been into dudes. I’m not too sure on that. Alvin was the man, though. He got to wear his red hat and his styling letter “A” on his chest? Did Theodore get a letter “T”? Did Simon get a letter “S”? The answer is no way. Plus, the lead girl from the Chipettes totally had the hots for Alvin and she was a real looker.

ImageMarty McFly from Back to the Future – What kid wouldn’t want to be Marty McFly? He was supposedly a nerd, but how many nerds do you see hitching a ride to school on the back of a car while riding their skateboards listening to Huey Lewis & the News? Yeah, exactly? Plus, he could play a mean guitar and everyone respects someone who can look cool while sounding good playing guitar. He had some stellar toys to play around with like the Delorean and the hydroboard. Plus, his girlfriend Jennifer was a looker. Even in his days before meeting Doc Brown, he had a pretty cool truck with the rollbar on it.

ImageMike Seaver from Growing Pains – I loved him because he was the ultimate slacker. He was able to get away with it, though, because he was witty and just all around funny. I mean, who would’ve ever bet that when it was all said and done, the “homeless kid” Leonardo DiCaprio would be the biggest star out of the Growing Pains bunch? I would’ve put my life savings, which then would’ve been about $12 and a couple boxes of Gobstoppers, that Kirk Cameron would’ve been the star. Oh yeah, by the way – October 16th on ABC they are going to be showing a Growing Pains reunion show. And yes, I know what you’re asking – even Alan Thicke is going to be on!

ImageCody from Step by Step – I thought he was so cool because he talked like a complete “surfer dude.” He looked like he was old enough to be a grown up, yet he lived in a van parked outside Carol and Frank’s house. I’m surprised that I thought that was really cool because this show was on probably when I was in about 6th grade. So in case you are wondering, when I was 12 years old, my aspirations were to be an old guy who seemingly didn’t have a job and lived in a crappy old van in his parents driveway. Imagine if going forward I would’ve keep those aspirations, I really would’ve think I’m a big time overacheiver for where I am in life right now.

ImageMichaelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – The theme song says just about everything you’d need to know. Raphael was cool but rude… but more importantly, Michaelangelo was a party dude. He was always the guy wanting to go in on pizza. He had one of the coolest weapons. He rocked the orange bandanas which made him seem like a bit more of a loose cannon. He was the only turtle with guts enough to really hit on April O’Neil even though she rocked that hideous yellow body suit like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill Volume 1. I guess when I was younger I didn’t realize how much it would suck to live in a sewer. No mention is ever made of how the Turtles stayed disease free. I never once saw a turtle throwing on some deodorant… they must have smelled just hideous!

ImageMouth from the Goonies – Once again, in hindsight, I should have been more of a fan of Data for no reason other than the fact that he said “Booty Trap” or Chunk because he did the still hilarious truffle shuffle. I like Mouth though because he was sort of a little punk. I’d guess he didn’t do to well in school, he probably didn’t fare so well with the ladies, but you know all the guys liked him because he was funny and he could pick on the dorky kids like it was nobody else’s business. Growing up, I envied that kid because he didn’t seem to be overly cool himself, yet because he could crack some jokes, he never got teased.

ImageDaniel LaRusso from Karate Kid – I felt bad for him when Mr. Miyagi made him wash cars and paint the fence. I couldn’t understand why his mom had to move from Jersey to California. Where there no good waitressing jobs in Jersey or was the restaurant business there taking an Enron-sized hit? I actually met the guy that plays Johnny and he swore that if it were real, he could’ve beaten up Daniel LaRusso, but I don’t buy it. Here’s a little secret of the martial arts industry – you can’t stop the swan kick. Plus, he had Mr. Miyagi and that magical child molestation move with his hands that made all the pain go away. I can’t believe they didn’t just lock him up right then and there! Lastly, I wanted to be Daniel LaRusso because he seriously has the coolest headband ever. If someone could hook me up with one of those, I swear on my life I would wear it for my next marathon.

ImageMichael Knight from Knight Rider – David Hasslhoff is a bit of a square with a terrible haircut, but the cold truth is he has the coolest car ever created. This is like a combination of your favorite Hot Wheels car and Max Headrom – I mean, honestly, how can you go wrong? Many people (especially Germans) know and love David Hasselhoff from his later work on Baywatch. While I like Mitch Buchanan as much as the next guy, when I was younger I would’ve rather been Michael Knight. I was just blown away when I found out KITT was voiced by none other than George Feeny of Boy Meets World fame! Besides being a great show, Knight Rider still might be one of my favorite tv theme songs.

ImageUltimate Warrior from the WWF – I loved wrestling when I was a kid. While I loved Hulk Hogan, I was the biggest fan of the Warrior. Whenever the show was on, I used to always take dishrags from my mom and try to tie them around my arms. Plus, he used to have the coolest wrestling face paint. No wrestler before or after Warrior with the exception of Scott Steiner maybe has ever look as roided up as the Ultimate Warrior. I used to be pissed that he was always stuck being the intercontinental champion while Hulk had the heavyweight belt. My how the importance of the intercontinental has fallen these days – I think the last person that had it when I was still watching wrestling was D’Lo Brown. I loved how he didn’t refer to me as a “Warrior-amanaic” or tell me to take my vitamins. Nope, instead he just acted like there was no blood inside his body… just pure testosterone baby! By the way, his comeback my senior year of high school risks high on my list of “most disappointed things ever.”

ImageRocky Balboa from the Rocky flicks – I loved how everyone tried to come hard at Rocky Balboa. Apollo Creed, Mister T, Thunderlips, Ivan Drago… even Tommy Gun. What happened every single time? That’s right, they destroyed Rocky. Just ripped him apart. But when it was time for the rematch, what happened? Rocky got beatdown, got in a lucky punch at the end and ended up being the champ. The people betting on fights in Vegas must’ve hated Rocky because you just *know* there is no way this short Italian guy can mess with any of those opponents. Do you honestly think Rocky could beat up Dolph Lundgren? He was fricking He-Man. Not only was he He-Man, he was also on the juice. There is just no way that Rocky can beat up chemically enhanced He-Man. Why’s he in the ring in the first place? This guy killed his best friend who he had proven he could only barely beat.

ImageMC Hammer – I actually think I could’ve been MC Hammer. Not only did I know the words to all his songs, I also looked like just as much of an idiot when I wore those ridiculous looking pants. I once tried to get those cool lines shaved into the side of my head, but I ended up looking stupid. For the life of me, I still can’t figure out why his career turned out as bad as it has. I can be sitting absolutely anywhere and if I hear the words
“uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh … here comes the Hammer”, I guarantee you I’m in a good mood. My favorite part of any of his songs though was the chorus that went “let’s make it smoooooth…” followed by something that sounded like someone barking like a dog.

ImageMacgyver – For the life of me, I still can’t figure out how he made a bomb and got away from the bad guys with just a tube sock, four tablespoons of baking soda and a train whistle. I used to watch this show when I was a kid. I’m sure I was too young to actually follow the storyline, but I know no matter what happened, Richard Dean Anderson was going to get out and be perfectly find at the start of next week’s show. Of course, unless it was the occassional “to be continued” cliffhanger which just left me puzzled. He might be challenging AC Slater for the worst mullet ever, but I would’ve done anything to have spent a day being Macgyver when I was a little kid. Even the name Macgyver is cool. Seems like there should be an extra vowel in there somewhere, but nope… not a chance.

Anyways, I’m gonna be gone this weekend. I’m heading to the Cities to watch some cross country and also to run a 5k of my own. I’m hoping to break 20-minutes, but I guess I don’t overly care how my race goes. I’m excited because this will probably be the most competitive race I see all year, including the state tournament. Plus I get to see a few former Perham runners who are now at D1 colleges run. I never did see them in high school, so it’ll be something completely new. Anyways, I will be checking out the forums, so post away! Have a good weekend all and…

If you’re out on your bike tonight, do wear white,
-B-